I Thought my Security was Secure...

It's been very bizarre, this move to South Bend. I really like it here, both the area and my job. But I've undergone a strange emotional transformation with the relocation.

I'm insecure again.

After I left my husband, it was as though I shrugged off any self-doubt. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and that I could get it. I was secure, positive, happy. I was proud. I felt invincible, to an extent.

But now, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin again. I feel fat and ugly. This isn't entirely baseless - I'm grossly overweight right now. But still, I've been this overweight (if not more) for over a year, and this is the first time I've truly felt uncomfortable about it. I feel like all eyes must be on my big belly or saggy ass. I feel judged. I even feel remotely stupid, since I'm being given assignments to work on things that I haven't even thought about in four or more years. I'm doing alright...but I'm scared.

There's no good reason for this change. The people here have been nothing but polite, friendly, warm and appreciative. It might, in part, be the fact that I'm replacing two skinny, beautiful women, and working with another. It might be the fact that I'm the sole peon in the office, working under three attorneys - one of whom is my exact age, and one of whom is younger. It might be that I'm financially freaked out. I'm behind on bills and completely stressed out about it.

I just don't understand where this new-found insecurity has come from. I've gone through hardships before, and new situations, and I've generally been able to approach them with poise and confidence. Not this time. This time, I'm completely self-conscious.

I don't know how to work through it.